Dear Reluctant Performer

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Dear Sexpert Next Door,
I’m hoping that since you are also a mother, you can help with this.  My husband really enjoys watching.  Watching me dance, masturbate, watching us in the mirror, etc.  For years, this was a hard limit for me as I was very self conscious. I eventually got over it (which led to some extraordinary nights), but now I’m having another problem.  18 months ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, who is perfect in every way.  But this left me with a not-so-attractive midsection.  I have stretch marks and mildly saggy skin.  I’ve been assured that it’s just genetics, but it could take another 18 months to smooth out.  In clothes, I look fantastic, but now when my husband watches me unclothed, or especially when I know he’s watching us together in the mirror, I get super self conscious and mentally pulled out of the scene.  He says I’m beautiful and our sex life is better than ever, but I really want to get past this and enjoy myself more.
 Thanks,
A Reluctant Performer
Dear Reluctant Performer,
I’ve been there. Having a baby is a major life change – emotionally and physically.  Know that what you are feeling is completely natural.  Change is challenging and it takes time for us to get to know and love our post-partum bodies and selves.  Accepting ourselves as we are in this very moment, NOT attempting to reverse time, to achieve a body or self that was ours pre-mommy, its hard work.
Be gentle with yourself, emotionally. Don’t feel like your post-partum mommy self needs to fit into the body or desires that fit your pre-mommy self.  Work on letting go of what you thought you knew about yourself and give yourself space to assess.  Ask yourself, “Does this feel good?” “Where do I want to be touched?” Explore what feels sexy to you now.   Take time to grieve the loss of your pre-mommy self and celebrate the life, relationships, love and new body that is your’s now.
We have been through a journey, we are still journeying, where we are headed is somewhere new, into the future.  Our bodies will not be what they were before, but they will change.  Change is one thing that we can count on.  Everyday we are changing and transforming.  It’s a beautiful thing.
One of the things that I tell my 2 year old child when they are feeling frustrated and experiencing a tantrum, is “Be Gentle with yourself.  Be Gentle with others.  Be gentle with the World around you.”  I use this as a mantra through all aspects of my life.  This doesn’t mean that the new sex that you experience needs to be soft and sensual and uber-lovey.  It just means be gentle emotionally with yourself.  Give yourself space.  Don’t feel like you have to live up to certain expectations. .  Allow room for growth and change.  Know that, yes our identities are shifting, our bodies and self image is shifting, and that’s ok.
If you feel insecure around your mid-section think about ways that you can reclaim that area.  I love vintage lingerie, garters, lacy high waist panties, panty hose, fun tights that I cut the crotch out of , waist cinchers, all of these accessories helped me to feel more confident and sexy in my new mommy body.  Go out shopping and see what clothes make you feel sexy.
I’m also a big fan of affirmations and meditation.  Touch your body. Send love and pleasure to your body.  Look at your body in the mirror and see the beauty in your shape.  That body birthed new life and love.  That’s pretty radical!  Gift love and pleasure and gratitude to your body for what it has gifted you.  It’s not easy.  I battle my own insecurities.  Voices from the me that was a size zero and performing in mainstream porn in LA’s San Fernando Valley.  But you know, that girl is not me.  It’s a past me. A body of the past. And I love my new body now.  Kink exists in different ways now that I’m a mommy.  And my energy levels and desires are different and change – sometimes based on whether a certain someone made it down for a nap.  But regardless of energy levels and a new mommy body, I still have desires.  I still embrace pleasure.
Being physically active helps.  As I gained my physical strength back after having a baby, I continued to feel more confident about my body.  I focused more on how my body felt, my energy levels, my bodies capabilities and strength.  When my body was strong enough to get back into the practice of rope bondage suspension, I felt an element of great confidence in my body and what it was capable of, I felt strong and beautiful (even with leaky milk breasts 🙂 .
 – Sometimes a nice place to start is meditation and visualization.  Close your eyes or allow your partner to blind fold you and visualize the you that you love, participating in your ultimate fantasy, whatever that might be.  Now allow where you are in this moment to seep in.  The smell of a burning candle, the touch of your lovers fingers grazing over your breasts.  Allow your self to be present with your partner.  Any negative thoughts or concerns or worries that pass through your mind, let them go.  Exhale those thoughts and make room in your body and mind for pleasure, sensation, and positive radiance generated between you and your partner.  Its ok when those negative thoughts enter your mind.  Acknowledge their presence and exhale that thought, that worry, that concern.  I like to visualize the ocean tide washing over me and taking with it any sticky icky insecurities.  I’ve included my Sex and Motherhood Sex Tips from my Sex, Motherhood and Pregnancy workshop.  I hope you find them helpful.  Congrats on your little one and on your new journey.  I also do personal sex coaching via Skype and love working with moms.
All the Best,
Madison – The Sexpert Next Door

Sex Tips for Moms

 Keep the Connection – talking about staying connected with our partner and keeping intimacy even when sexual intimacy changes – Remember the “tossing the pillow exercise”. Give intent and energy to the small intimacies and touch that you share with your partner. We might not always have time for marathon love making but even the smallest touch, hand holding, or hand to the heart while gazing into our partners eyes can allow for shared connected intimacy and garner passion. Flames begin with a spark, don’t disregard the power of a spark that is full of intention.  Ways in our every day life to keep physically connected. Physical connection creates space for intimacy and energy exchange.

       Massage

       – Dance

        – hugs

         – embraces

           – spooning

           – making out

        -Workshops – Sexuality workshops, Kink workshops

         – Foot Rubs

         – Get Active together – hiking, walking, biking, couples yoga

        

  1. Date Nights visualization of your fantasy date night with your partner

  2. Take time even 10 minutes to visualize your fantasy date night or a night of hot intimacy with your lover. Close your eyes, allow all of your thoughts to drift in and out of your consciousness as you come back to this connection with your partner. Where do you picture this happening? What do you smell? What do you taste?Feel? Are the sheets satiny? Are you wearing new lingerie? What color? What is your partner wearing? What does your partner say? Is there certain music playing in the back ground? Do certain colors stand out in your meditation? Where is your partner touching you? Guide your partner through how you would like to be touched. You are beautiful. You aredesired. You are confident in guiding your partner to fulfilling your desires. Experience touch and sensation moment by moment, notpushing or rushing forward to a goal, be present with yourself, with your partner. Allow yourself 10 – 20 min to visualize and meditate in this state using this above exercise asking yourself these questions. Allow this manifestation to seep into your reality. For example if you recall orange or red pillows on the bed and a brilliant purple orchid on your night stand in your fantasy embrace these visuals and pick up a purple orchid at your farmers market or florist. Revisit that fantasy through meditation. Use the confidence that you build in your meditation in your real life intimate encounters when guiding your partner to your desire.

 – Collage desires, fantasies, where do you want to be touched? where does your fantasy take place, what does it look like?  what does your partner say? – Words?

What parts of this fantasy can you incorporate tonight or tomorrow?

         

– Take up writing love letters or postcards to one another – postcards, stationary, card stock, note paper, wax seals. Whether it is a simple journal or leaving post its for one another on the bathroom mirror. Write a sentence, or a simple word and gift those words of love and desire to your partner.

          

Make an Agreement to Love

  1. state your needs and desires in this relationship

  2. your partners needs and desires

  3. fantasies you would like to commit to exploring for a weeks time or a month/etc

  4. how these fantasies manifest in your every day life – for example:

  5. once a month we will go to a sexuality workshop that interests us. at least twice a week I will place a note of love and gratitude in my partners mail box (post it on the mirror,etc), on date night friday I won’t wear any panties and will wear the high heels that make me look really sexy that you always drool over. every friday night we will have a date night even if that means popping up a tent in our back yard and making out over roasted marshmallows after the kids are asleep

Treat this document as a working agreement that you both nurture and refer back to on a monthly basis.  If something isn’t working find out why and change it. Should be used as a communication tool. If it feels obligatory then it needs to change. Leave room for change and acknowledge that change is ok. That what you desire will change. And that there are no rules for what your relationship has to look like.

Couples Affirmation Exercise  Sitting across from one another cross legged and palms lying in each others hands

Person 1:  – I love you.  You are a creative being that inspires me.

Person 2: – I am filled with gratitude by your love. I love you. You are radiant in your newly pregnant body(alter accordingly – new motherly body or just “beautiful body”).

Person 1: – I am filled with gratitude by your love. I love you. … (another thing that you love about your partner. Go back in forth in this exercise for 5 min set timer)

Sexual Portraits– Give private space for women to step in front of the camera one at a time while working on their love agreement and love letters.  Have folks record a 5 min video journal of their sexual desires, how they are feeling about their bodies, their insecurities, one thing they love about their new body and sexuality. Many women and men find it very validating to their experience to document their transformation and emotions. This is basically a form of video journalling which you can keep for yourself for reflection.

State name

How many weeks pregnant or how old their child is

A part of their body that they love

Something about their partner that really turns them on

One sexual fantasy or a moment of great sexual arousal

Affirmation to state in the video journal also works in the mirror “ I am beautiful.  My body is beautiful.  My body is radiant.  I am a radiant individual filled with ecstatic energy to share with myself and partner. I am filled with love”. 

     

Sex Tips for the Time Sensitive

 Making the most of showering  – hand held shower nozzle and water proof sex toys – highly recommend the mystic wand

 Bath time is mommy time – go to LUSH or your favorite bath store and load up on luxurious bath items.  Take time to soak, read a book, touch your body, become reacquainted with it, Bath tub video journals, personal bath time sexuality journals or portraits, body portraits in the tub with i phone, candles

 Nap time Naughtiness – make the most out of nap time with either self love or time to reconnect with your partner

  Morning Time – set your alarm for before your child normally wakes up and find time for sexual intimacy in the morning.

 

 – Go shopping for new lingerie – this should be something you feel confident in. For me a sexy black leather jacket, knee high leather boots, high heels or sexy fitting jeans all qualify as “lingerie”. Its an item of clothing that gives you a new found feeling of sexy.

 – Bed time – No Sitter? Wait until the munchkins are in bed. Turn on the baby monitor and make a date night for yourselves at home. A candle lit dinner, a tent in the back yard, fooling around in the garage, or in the car.

 – Baby sitter – Date Night/s – Make them a priority. If you are light on cash pair up with other friends who have kids and offer to watch their kids on friday nights if they watch your kids on saturday night. Put date nights on the calendar.

Starting  your own Sexy Mama Social Club – find time to talk about sex with friends – either online or in person.

Allowing yourself time and permission to transform, change, shift. like a snow globe. All of the pieces of our identity are still their just shifted around.

Giving yourself time for self love, body loving affirmations.

Kink aware professionals – midwives, doulas, doctors, and therapists that are all sex positive that you can talk to. https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/kink-aware-professionals-directory/kap-directory-homepage.html

Get moving for libido and body – keeping physically active adds body and sexual confidence, gives endorphin rush, and helps to nurture healthy sex drive actually increasing our energy that we have for our family and our relationship.

Love the body that you are in, not the body that may be one day. Our bodies shift and change. We move forward, not backward. Embrace that, accept that and know that you are beautiful as you are.

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Dear Is It Real

Dear Sexpert Next Door,
   Big question! I usually make my lady wait for sex because when I do she gets really juicy (if you know what I mean).  And it’s better than regular sex so much so,that I’m ready to explode in a few minutes top! She says she feels good and climaxes buuuut how can I be sure? Because I’m sure feeling good!
 Sincerely,
 Is It Real

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Dear Is it Real,

It sounds like you and your lover are having a wonderful time but you want to ensure that she is actually aroused, not just pretending to be aroused for your satisfaction.

This comes down to trust and communication. Create space for open communication around what turns you and your partner on.  What you should NOT say is : “So what can I do better?”  It’s not about focusing on what isn’t working, but on what is working.  Discovering what your mutual fantasies are and making room for communication and exploration of those fantasies together.

Instead offer your own positive communication around what turns you on regarding your partner: “You know what really gets me hot?  Your tits.  I love when you touch your breasts and pout your lips.  I get so hard just thinking about your tits rubbing up against my hard cock.  What gets you hot my love?  What feels good to you?”  Your partner might need more lead in to connect with her fantasies or to open up regarding the specifics of how she likes to be touched.  You can ask her while rubbing her feet to close her eyes and describe to you the last sexual adventure that you both encountered that blew her mind.  Listen carefully to what details she remembers.  What elements of foreplay.  The type of touch.  Does she smile and grow quiet or her voice start to quiver when describing a certain touch, a certain toy, something that you whispered in her ear, a scent of roses in the room.  What sensory details does she remember?  Maybe it was a certain spot on her body in which you kissed her.  Other ways to build communication around sexual arousal are from attending sexuality workshops together, taking a trip to a sex positive toy store, an erotic art exhibition, or other educational or cultural events in which sexuality is openly discussed.  This helps to break down any suppressed shame around sexual communication and offers opportunities that openly grant permission to talk about and think about our sexual desires and fantasies, as well as courage to communicate those desires to our partners.

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There are also sexual education films that contain explicit sex scenes which can be fun to pick out together and watch together.  A few educational lines that I suggest are Vivid Ed by director Tristan Taormino as well as my own educational videos out through Girlfriends Films.  Remember to create opportunities for open dialogue, not shove media or force situations onto your partner that they aren’t comfortable with.  Sex coaching can be another way to more privately have a facilitator around sexual desire and sexual communication.  You can find out more about sex coaching here.  I started sex coaching with couples specifically because often folks needed a greater degree of privacy and more concentrated attention from me as an educator. Sex coaching allows that time, privacy and space to explore your desires with a guide’s help.
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You also mention taking your time with your partner.  Teasing your partner.  That can be an excellent form of arousal.  And it sound like your teasing and foreplay are producing vaginal fluids and glandular secretions that are creating the vaginal moisture and wetness and that you reference.  It’s important to pay attention to physical and verbal cues that go past simply vaginal secretions.  Connect with your partner with touch, massage, eye contact, and breath.  Listen to her breath. Watch her body.  Is it moving in toward you, away, or in a neutral position?  Listen to her body language and give room for her words.  “How is this my love?” Offer language. “Deeper? Softer? More fingers?” Don’t overwhelm but offer language as a guide.  Communication can be sexy and is an active outward expression of our desire.  It’s super hot.  Along the same lines, role model healthy and super sexy communication around your own desire as well.  “Wow.  I love it when your back is arched like that.  Can I pull your hips towards me? I want you so close to me.” This models consent, communication, and authentic expression of your own pleasure.

If your partner does tell you that she doesn’t orgasm while engaging in penetration with your cock, well, that is ok.  Plenty of women don’t.  And it doesn’t mean that they are faking arousal or enjoyment.  You can be super turned on and sex can feel really freaking amazing and that doesn’t mean that you are going to orgasm.  Many women have clitoral orgasms and the clitoris is outside of the vaginal canal. Consider cunnilingus and finger stimulation/vulva massage or g-spot stimulation to gift your partner with climactic pleasure either before or after your climax.
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Above all, create space to build trust with your partner.  Space for honest communication around pleasure and around your relationship as a whole.  This intimacy and trust building can manifest through actively negotiating, communicating and journeying together.  Going to a workshop together, picking out toys or lube or lingerie together.  Gift safe space for your partner to express their fantasies and desires and when they do, listen. Good luck on your journey.  May it be filled with happiness, trust, intimacy and pleasure.

Best,
The Sexpert Next Door

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Dear Strap-on Curious

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Hello, Ms. Young,

I’m curious about strap-on play and what makes it enjoyable for a woman when she’s pegging a man.  I’m fairly experienced, and I noticed that some women really enjoy and respond to the activity when it’s more of a forceful pegging, where I’m indicating that   she’s being rough or that it’s hurting me.  Other women seem to get off on seeing signs that I’m enjoying it, moaning in pleasure.

Just curious about your feelings on this.  Would you rather take a man this way if it was something that was “forced” on him, or if he was restrained and could not resist?  Or do you respond more to a guy who acts more like a submissive woman, eager to be fucked? 

And either way, any advice you could give to a sub male to make himself a better fuck in bed for a strapon-wielding dominant woman?

Thanks,
    Strap-on Curious
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Hello Strap-on Curious,

Strap on play can be incredibly enjoyable for a woman whether she is engaging in sexual play with men, women or folks of any gender identity. Strap on play can even be sexy and orgasmic for a woman to engage in on her own.  There is both a physical and a psychological element to this type of erotic play.

There are many types of strap-on harnesses that can vary from leather straps with buckles and studs to satin red femme like underwear that hold your cock (dildo) in place.  The strap-on itself can be a huge turn on , just as a sexy pair of panties or black leather boots can be a turn on for the person wearing them.  Some strap-ons also have a small pocket for a small bullet vibrator which can add clitoral stimulation for the individual wearing a strap-on.

The base of the dildo can vary in size and depending on the person wearing the strap on and the type of sexual play that you are engaging in, folks will have different opinions on where they like to situate the base of their strap on cock.  For example if you are masturbating wearing a strap on you can experiment with the dildo’s base pressing up against the mons/pubic area, the labia and vulva area or more specifically directly above the clitoris.

Some women see the dildo as an extension of their engorged and aroused clitoris.   Some women choose to use a double ended dildo in their harness.  This allows the woman wearing the strap on to also be penetrated either while jilling off or fucking their partner.

Psychologically the strap on cock can be a physical manifestation of a woman’s desire.  To have an extension of one’s desire consumed by their partner through anal play, vaginal or oral sex can be incredibly arousing.  Remember our brain is our largest sexual organ.  We can become incredibly aroused through phsycological stimulation and visual stimulation.  Just because a dildo is not a fleshy bit of our body, doesn’t mean that it can’t act as an extension of ourselves and that it can’t be super hot and even orgasmic to fuck a person of any gender with a strap on cock.

And on that note, folks of any gender can strap it on too.  Cis-gendered dudes can strap on over their pants or even wear a thigh harness with a strap on cock.  This is a great way to indulge in a multiple cock fantasy.  If for instance  you are bouncing up and down on a thigh harnessed strap on cock and gifting oral sex and hand job lovin’ to a bio cock, well for some folks, that could be pretty hot.

There are many toy cocks out there that you can try out for your strap on.  They come in all shapes, widths, lengths, colors and materials.  My personal favorite is the VixSkin line from Vixen Creations.  The cock’s tip is nice and soft and flesh like which makes it ideal for deep throating, as well as anal and vaginal play.  This Vixen dildo is also silicone
which I love.  You want to look for dildos that are phalayte free and non-porous.  Silicone dildos are non-porous and easy to clean.  You can stick them in your dishwasher or make dildo soup (boil them in water) to keep them clean.  There are also toy condoms which you can use to cover your dildos when you are sharing them with partners such as these Premium Condoms at Good Vibrations .   If you are using a silicone dildo  be aware that you should use a condom on the dildo if you are using silicone lube.  Silicone bonds to its self so you don’t want to get silicone lube on a silicone dildo.  It deteriorates the material and gives it a tacky sticky texture.  Not want you want.  You can always also use a non-silicone lube with your silicone dildos (like a water based lube).

In regards to different partners seeming to enjoy expressions of helplessness or pain over that of pleasure, everyone is different.  We are all unique snowflakes.  Some folks are sadists.  They enjoy dishing out intense sensation play and watching as their consenting partner struggles to process that intense sensation.  They find joy in watching the struggle and the success of their partner. The dominant assists the submissive to process through that situation or those sensations – in this case those sensations  are experienced through strap on play. Some partners will enjoy the immense overtly expressed  moans of your pleasure while others will smile in delicious arousal at the sound of your yelps as you struggle to take a cock in the ass for your mistress.

I know that you placed “forced ” in quotes but I do want to just specify that consent and safety is priority when it comes to sexual pleasure and intimate exchange of energy.  It can be hot to play rough but the communication and structure needs to be in place as a container for that play to exist within. We don’t break our toys if we want to play with them again and we don’t “hurt” our lovers. Instead we build a structure, a container, with mutual love and respect for each other as individuals.  That container is built jointly with both partners needs and pleasure in mind.  Ask yourself: What dynamic is hot for you?  Do you enjoy being an objectified hole that serves only to pleasure your strap-on wielding partner?  Or do you prefer a partner that is more soft and sensual with her approach as she stimulates your prostate with a strap on cock?  Think about the moments that have given you the most pleasure.

If you are in a Ds dynamic with one or more partners make sure there are times in which you can speak with your partner or Mistress outside of your Ds dynamic to talk as equals regarding what both of you honestly enjoy the most about strap on play and what elements of strap on play you both might want to explore together in the future.  I highly recommend having these conversations to discuss your relationship dynamic once a month or every other month and always revisiting your safe word before a scene.  Talk about what works, what doesn’t, your fantasies, give your partner room and space to express their desires and discover where your lusts and desires intersect.

Also in regards to anal play (or any type of penetration), your partner needs to use plenty of lubrication, patience, and  wait until your body relaxes and “invites” in the cock, fingers, or toy  which are doing the penetrating.  If an object is forced into the anus or cunt or throat it can be painful, cause gagging, panic, or even tears of the delicate anal tissues.

Use your breath, connect with your partner and imagine your throat or anus or cunt blossoming, opening into a big open lotus flower and welcoming in the touch, love and attention of your partner.

When engaging in anal play with a partner I first give the butt muscles some love and attention with spanking and/or massage then move into the anus.  I massage the anus externally with lots of lubrication until the anus literally starts sucking in my fingers one by one.  Once the anus is nice and relaxed, I’ll introduce the toy or dildo.  Remember the anus doesn’t produce any of its own lubrication so continuing to lubricate through out anal play is important.  This helps to avoid friction of delicate tissue.

Lastly, advice that I would give a submissive wanting to gift his dominant with an awesome sexual experience, is create space for communication.  Honestly listen to your dominant’s desires and make the experience a mutual exchange of pleasure.  Many submissives and masochists (and lovers of all persuasions) fall into a trap that I’ve come to call submissive sponge syndrome.  This is when a submissive or bottom is taking, soaking up the experience that is being gifted, and not gifting energy back.  In vanilla sex this has been referred to as being a pillow queen. But you can be taking a flogging, spanking, dildo, or cock and not just be receiving energy but gifting it back to your partner.  How do we do this?  We do this through breath, through moans, through auditory expressions of pleasure and pain, through an arching, through an exhale, through a connected sense of awareness and mindfulness.  If you plug into this level of connection with your partner.  If you fully join them in the dance, the waltz of pleasure, both you and your partner will experience pleasure and connectedness on a whole new level.

With love and orgasms,
Madison Young
The Sexpert Next Door

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Dear Looking for Playmate

1297325689530_ORIGINAL                   kate-upton-carls-junior-1-e1330412594867  – Say No to Fast Food Sex & Slow things down.

Dear The Sex Expert,

I am 39, tall, dark-haired, attractive, British, posh (posher than say Hugh Grant), sober (12 years), straight, single and kinky.

I identify as a dominant. I have spent ten years understanding what this actually means. I do not particularly identify as a sadist. I love practicing  shibari and I possess a big bag of interesting and expensive toys.

I have just moved into a new flat in the City of London near St Paul’s Cathedral.  My new sturdy bed is days old.  Where can I find a sexy youngish play partner or play partners?

I have been on FetLife for five years, IC (Informed Consent) and CollarMe.com to no avail. I went to Club Rub and Torture Garden regularly for years but feel they are too druggy for me now.

Help!

Looking for Playmate

Dear Looking for Playmate,

From your message I get a sense that you are frustrated with not finding fulfilling sexual connection and would like to meet and satiated that need as soon as possible.

The first thing I would do is assess exactly what you are looking for in your connection (play).  Is this someone that you just want to connect with once?  Is this someone that you want to develop a relationship with?  What kind of depth are you hoping to find in this connection?

We live in a fast “gimme now” world and the when it comes to connecting, building intimacy, and developing relationships… well you have to slow things down a bit.  You have to nurture a relationship if you hope to gain a sense of connection and fulfillment from the dynamic.

You don’t have to be looking for a long term committed relationship.  Maybe your ideal play partner would be a submissive that you see once a week or once a month and that you are able to develop a depth and strong connection with over time.

Whatever your ideal playmate situation, write it down.  And I’m not talking about cup size and hair color, I’m talking about what your needs are exactly that you hoping to have met.  For example you mentioned you enjoy Japanese rope bondage. Are you a rope top that is not interested in a romantic relationship right now? If so perhaps your looking for a rope bottom with clear boundaries and good communication skills that already has another partner and is not looking for a romantic entanglement right now, just a rope top. The most crucial thing is strong upfront communication with your play partners.  Discuss fantasies and desires but also discuss STI testing, safer sex barriers, safe words, and trigger words. Take your time with negotiations and truly listening to your partners desires and limits and finding the points where your desires meet, where you both can mutually share something intimate.

You mentioned a dissatisfaction with online meet ups and fetish clubs and bars.  This is not unusual.  It comes down to what is the intention behind folks that you might be engaging with at clubs or bars.  If folks are intoxicated and not present with themselves they are not very likely to be able to be present with you.  Also engaging in BDSM when intoxicated is dangerous for both tops and bottoms.  Its important to be able to communicate with one another during play.  It is also crucial in properly communicating consent from both parties.

So how do you meet this awesome perfect someone to meet your needs?  Two of my favorite suggestions are munches and volunteering at kinky community organizations.  A munch is a usually tea/coffee/ lunch/dinner organized by folks in your local bdsm community and held at cafes and restaurants.  This is an opportunity for folks in the kink community to go socialize in a low key environment.  Its like a big family dinner but with folks that are kinky who may or may not be talking about the new paddle they bought or an upcoming collaring ceremony or they might just be bitching about their asshole boss or how they can’t get their kids to bed at a reasonable hour anymore.  You get to break bread and get to know your community.  This is a perfect way to meet someone who you might share common interests with in the bed room or dungeon or when your out for coffee.

But don’t come on too strong.  Remember slow down and nurture those potential relationships, listen, get to know people before introducing them to your new sturdy bed.  Believe me a submissive appreciates a dominant that listens and that cares.  When you nurture that trust it allows a submissive the grounding she or he needs to journey deeper into kink with a dominant.  Your building trust and that is essential.  You are also developing a loving and caring intent behind the connected scenes that you might negotiate and construct with this individual.

I know at one point there was a cute little kink cafe in London called Coffee Cake and Kink.  Not sure if they are still around but it was a great little spot for bdsm community with wonderful people and community events.   If you are looking for quality connections look for the community and not the scene.  Usually bars and clubs create and cultivate “scenes”.   Community events are rooted in the culture, education and well being of the individuals with in a group.

One last thing I do want to recommend for negotiating non-monogamy Opening Up by Tristan Taormino and The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton.

Hope that helps.
Madison Young
The Sexpert Next Door

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Dear Performance Anxiety

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Dear Madison,
I haven’t had sex in 6 or 7 years; and now a lady friend wants to meet up with me when I go on vacation next week…but well the last few times I tried to have sex i had various performance issues, such as losing my erections or cumming too quickly.  I’ve tried various methods over the years to maintain erections, toys, counting strokes etc…but nothing seems to work; either i cum too quickly or more often than not, once i realize i have an erection it goes away.  Is there anything I can do in the next month to help so i can at least stay hard?  She and I haven’t seen each other since high school and i want this to go well for her on her end ya know?

Yours truly,
Performance Anxiety

Dear Performance Anxiety
Your concern is one that many penis barring individuals have.  Our bodies are constantly changing and men do not walk around with a constant hard on ready to fuck at all times.  And you know what?  They don’t have to.

The awesome thing is that there are so many ways that you can have a mutually satisfying sexual experience with another person.  Sex doesn’t have to be cock/vagina centric in order to be awesome sex.

The best thing you can do is figure out the following.  What does your lady friend enjoy sexually?  What parts of her body does she enjoy having stimulated? And how do you like your body to be touched?  If you aren’t able to maintain an erection does it still feel nice to have your balls played with or lips lightly suckling at the head of your cock? Does your partner enjoy toys? The use of fingers on/around and penetrating her vulva? G-spot stimulation? Cunnilingus?  Erotic massage?  These are all things that we can do with our hands, mouths, and toys.

A great date night activity is either before or after a romantic dinner heading to a sex positive toy store or a sexuality workshop.  Its a fun way to break the ice and really start talking with your partner about their fantasies, what feels good to them, and what they have always wanted to try.

Try visualizing all of the amazing ways that you can pleasure her that don’t involve your penis. If you are able to get hard and maintain an erection even for a short period, just think of penile penetration as one side dish of deliciousness that are you are sharing with your partner.  The important thing is not obsessing over it.  So if you are fucking your partner and she is really enjoying it and then you either feel you are about to come are not able to maintain an erection,that doesn’t mean that your intimate experience is over.

Explore her body with your hands, massage her thighs and work your way up to her vulva where you can devour her cunt and use your hands for penetration. Vibrators, breast massage, devouring food off of one another all of these things could follow your ejaculation or loss of erection.  And if you relax and proceed with staying intimate and connected with your partner your erection may come back. If it does, great, if it doesn’t that’s ok too.

Sex really comes down to sharing intimacy, energetic and physical connection and mutually pleasurable experience with your partner. This may or may not include a cock, but know that if it doesn’t in no way does it have to result in failure of intimate connection and pleasure for both partners.

The situation that you are describing of either loosing erection or pre-mature ejaculation  can be exasperated by anxiety or excitement. So the best thing to do is to work on eliminating anxiety around the situation by feeling confident as a lover with or with out an erection.

Visualization.  Work on visualizing you being a confident lover with or with out an erection.  Imagine your worst case scenarios of either pre-mature ejaculation or difficulty in maintaining an erection and imagine you smoothly moving into another sexual position.  Kissing your lovers lips, massaging her breasts, slowly moving your hand down her body to her vulva.  Visualize making a success out of what you feared would be a failure.

A few things you may also want to try are experimenting with cock rings as a way of delaying and heightening orgasm.  You can find cock rings made of a variety of materials and preference is a very individual type of thing.  But you can find rings made of rubber, neoprene, silicone, metal, and even wood.

Tantra.  I highly recommend reading up on tantra and energy orgasms.  The practicing of tantra is a great way to learn how to be both multi-orgasmic as well as not dependent on an erection in order to give and receive erotic energy.  One of my favorite books on tantra which is written in a very accessible manner is Urban Tantra by Barbara Carellas.

I also recommend spending some quality time giving yourself some self love aka masturbation.  This helps in two ways.  1. You won’t be as incredibly sensitive to touch.  Sometimes if it has been a really long time since we have been touched in an intimate way we can get excited very quickly and this can result in pre-mature ejaculation.  2. In touching yourself, explore your own body and take a mental note of how you really enjoy touching your cock, balls, perineum, anus, nipples, etc and note whether that touch also feels good when your cock is not erect.  Does a certain touch seem to trigger an erection?  The more you know your own body the better you can guide your partner toward a pleasurable experience for both of you.  When one partner shows a comfortability and confidence in talking about their pleasure in a natural way, it gives space for the other partner to do the same.  Your role modeling healthy sexual communication.

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In your self pleasuring exploration you could also experiment with vaginal sleeves.  Some guys love these and some don’t.  One of the most popular masturbation sleeves is the flesh light.  Just know that everyone is different and just because one toy or technique is super awesome and pleasurable for one person, it  doesn’t mean that it will be for you.  That’s kind of part of the fun.  Trying new things and seeing what feels good.

There is also a large pharmaceutical industry that caters to praying on the sexual insecurity of men.  I’m not a big advocate of pharmaceuticals but its worth mentioning that it is out there and can be very successful in producing erection. Two of the bigger names on the market are Cialis and Viagra.  I have seen these drugs have negative effects on men that are taking too much of the drug, like heart palpitations and splitting head aches. I really don’t advocate for this option. I think we are a culture that relies too heavily on pathologizing ourselves and others and taking a pill for every insecurity, pain or problem that we encounter.  I believe in a more holistic approach to life.   Know that you are worthy of love and capable of gifting love and erotic energy with or with out an erection.   When you show up to meet with your lady friend and you are able to navigate a conversation around sex with confidence and think outside of the box in the bedroom, she is going to be incredibly impressed and have the amazing time that you wish for her to have.

Happy Orgasms,
Madison Young
The Sexpert Next Door

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North West Mini Tour

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I’m on the road again in February bringing exciting new sexuality workshops to the North West.  Currently I have bookings in both Portland, Oregon and Seattle, Washington and might be adding more dates in the next few days so keep checking back for the latest info on my North West Winter Tour.  Its been a few years since I’ve taught in Seattle. And I haven’t taught in Portland in a loooong time. In fact I haven’t taught in Seattle since I was early in my pregnancy of my now 2 year old daughter and well Portland….  I haven’t been to Portland since before the hipster boom. Its been a while.  Travel and Leisure Magazine voted Seattle and Portland the top two cities in the country in which you will find the most hipsters.  So I’m at the very least expecting some killer vegan fare.  If you are coming to a workshop and want to get on the teachers good side bring a vegan cupcake and you will be on my awesome person list.

Feb 17th  7 -9pm at Wild at Heart Seattle Washington – Exploring the G spot and Female Ejaculation w/ Madison Young

Madison Young presents an innovative multi-media presentation demystifying the g-spot and female ejaculation. Utilizing live demonstrations, illustrative video footage, and diagrams, Madison will guide you through your exploration of the erogenous zone known as the g-spot. This sexpert will explain what the g-spot is, how to locate it and different innovative techniques to stimulate the gspot.

Want to make a splash? Wondering where female ejaculate comes from? What it is? All of these questions and more w…ill be answered in this in depth exploration of the g-spot and female ejaculation.

This workshop is open to all regardless of gender, orientation, or relationship status.

$20/Individual
$30/Pair
$40/Triad
Sunday, February 17th 7-9pm
Registration through Brown Paper Tickets:
http://gspotwithmadison.brownpapertickets.com/
Join us for the workshop and get 15% off your purchase that night!

Feb 21st  7:30 pm She-Bop Portland Oregon – DIY Porn w/ Madison Young – $20

Let award-winning porn performer and director Madison Young teach you how to make your own porn! Learn the basics of how to tap into your own personal sexual fantasies, how to manifest those fantasies for the camera, the basics of documenting, writing a script, casting, financing your porn, and how to get your movies to the intended audience (even if that audience is just you and your partner).

This is the perfect class to help you get a jumpstart on submitting to Hump!, the Northwest’s amateur porn film festival!

Feb 22nd 7pm – Cocksucking for Queers – Portland, Oregon – Location TBA

Whether its strap ons or fleshy bits learn how to make the most of your mouth and hands when giving head. We will talk about different strap on options, realistic dildos, deep throating demos, and how to incorporate cock sucking into power play.

Feb 23rd from 2-4pm  – Seattle, WA – Center for Sex positive Culture Annex – Tix available here  – Five Finger Revolution w/ Madison Young

Discover the overwhelming ecstasy of vaginal and anal fisting with Madison Young, your kinky girl next door, award winning bdsm and fetish porn star, adult performer, director, published writer, artist and gallerist.

Learn the ins and outs of this intimate, sexy activity! This two hour workshop will walk you through the steps of warm up, safety, connection, breath, and climactic release associated with fisting.

This workshop is presented by The Foundation for Sex Positive Culture, a 501(c)3 non-profit.

Feb 24th 7 – 9pm – Seattle,WA – Wild at Heart –   Fetish and Fellatio –

Want to add some spice to your sex life? Want to learn how to add fetish and bondage to your bag of blow job tricks?In this workshop, sexpert Madison Young will show you how to pervert your average house hold objects such as clothes pins, shower curtains, scarves, neck ties, and stockings. You will learn easy to use fellatio techniques that incorporate basic bondage, deep throating, sensation play, role play and even how to make a DIY glory hole. Get ready to learn techniques that will prepare you to gif…t long, luxurious oral worshipping of the cock. Learn how to talk to your lover about your kinky desires and how to build new levels of intimacy, trust, and connection.This workshop is open to all regardless of gender, orientation, or relationship status.
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Welcome to The Sexpert Next Door

Welcome to the Sexpert Next Door!  As a long time advocate of healthy expression of sexuality and sexual education, I’m thrilled to launch a web site specifically dedicated to answering your sex ed questions.  On this web site I will  provide safe, anonymous and empowering ways for you to explore your sexual desires.  Discover new techniques, communication skills and build stronger bonds of intimacy with in your relationship. Whether you are new lovers still discovering each others desires, single and exploring your own fantasies, or rekindling a flame with a long time lover, you can find direction and guidance with the Sexpert Next Door.  Learn how to bring greater intimacy and loving intent and connection in to the moments we spend with those around us. On this site you will discover different ways that you can access information on sex and intimacy, through private sexuality coaching, writing questions to me in which I will answer on my advice column, Ask Madison, or attending one of my workshops taught through out the country.  I am the Sexpert Next Door. I’m your friendly neighbor with a cup a sugar that you can borrow (along with some helpful sex advice to heat up your bed room).

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