Dear Reluctant Performer

belly
Dear Sexpert Next Door,
I’m hoping that since you are also a mother, you can help with this.  My husband really enjoys watching.  Watching me dance, masturbate, watching us in the mirror, etc.  For years, this was a hard limit for me as I was very self conscious. I eventually got over it (which led to some extraordinary nights), but now I’m having another problem.  18 months ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, who is perfect in every way.  But this left me with a not-so-attractive midsection.  I have stretch marks and mildly saggy skin.  I’ve been assured that it’s just genetics, but it could take another 18 months to smooth out.  In clothes, I look fantastic, but now when my husband watches me unclothed, or especially when I know he’s watching us together in the mirror, I get super self conscious and mentally pulled out of the scene.  He says I’m beautiful and our sex life is better than ever, but I really want to get past this and enjoy myself more.
 Thanks,
A Reluctant Performer
Dear Reluctant Performer,
I’ve been there. Having a baby is a major life change – emotionally and physically.  Know that what you are feeling is completely natural.  Change is challenging and it takes time for us to get to know and love our post-partum bodies and selves.  Accepting ourselves as we are in this very moment, NOT attempting to reverse time, to achieve a body or self that was ours pre-mommy, its hard work.
Be gentle with yourself, emotionally. Don’t feel like your post-partum mommy self needs to fit into the body or desires that fit your pre-mommy self.  Work on letting go of what you thought you knew about yourself and give yourself space to assess.  Ask yourself, “Does this feel good?” “Where do I want to be touched?” Explore what feels sexy to you now.   Take time to grieve the loss of your pre-mommy self and celebrate the life, relationships, love and new body that is your’s now.
We have been through a journey, we are still journeying, where we are headed is somewhere new, into the future.  Our bodies will not be what they were before, but they will change.  Change is one thing that we can count on.  Everyday we are changing and transforming.  It’s a beautiful thing.
One of the things that I tell my 2 year old child when they are feeling frustrated and experiencing a tantrum, is “Be Gentle with yourself.  Be Gentle with others.  Be gentle with the World around you.”  I use this as a mantra through all aspects of my life.  This doesn’t mean that the new sex that you experience needs to be soft and sensual and uber-lovey.  It just means be gentle emotionally with yourself.  Give yourself space.  Don’t feel like you have to live up to certain expectations. .  Allow room for growth and change.  Know that, yes our identities are shifting, our bodies and self image is shifting, and that’s ok.
If you feel insecure around your mid-section think about ways that you can reclaim that area.  I love vintage lingerie, garters, lacy high waist panties, panty hose, fun tights that I cut the crotch out of , waist cinchers, all of these accessories helped me to feel more confident and sexy in my new mommy body.  Go out shopping and see what clothes make you feel sexy.
I’m also a big fan of affirmations and meditation.  Touch your body. Send love and pleasure to your body.  Look at your body in the mirror and see the beauty in your shape.  That body birthed new life and love.  That’s pretty radical!  Gift love and pleasure and gratitude to your body for what it has gifted you.  It’s not easy.  I battle my own insecurities.  Voices from the me that was a size zero and performing in mainstream porn in LA’s San Fernando Valley.  But you know, that girl is not me.  It’s a past me. A body of the past. And I love my new body now.  Kink exists in different ways now that I’m a mommy.  And my energy levels and desires are different and change – sometimes based on whether a certain someone made it down for a nap.  But regardless of energy levels and a new mommy body, I still have desires.  I still embrace pleasure.
Being physically active helps.  As I gained my physical strength back after having a baby, I continued to feel more confident about my body.  I focused more on how my body felt, my energy levels, my bodies capabilities and strength.  When my body was strong enough to get back into the practice of rope bondage suspension, I felt an element of great confidence in my body and what it was capable of, I felt strong and beautiful (even with leaky milk breasts 🙂 .
 – Sometimes a nice place to start is meditation and visualization.  Close your eyes or allow your partner to blind fold you and visualize the you that you love, participating in your ultimate fantasy, whatever that might be.  Now allow where you are in this moment to seep in.  The smell of a burning candle, the touch of your lovers fingers grazing over your breasts.  Allow your self to be present with your partner.  Any negative thoughts or concerns or worries that pass through your mind, let them go.  Exhale those thoughts and make room in your body and mind for pleasure, sensation, and positive radiance generated between you and your partner.  Its ok when those negative thoughts enter your mind.  Acknowledge their presence and exhale that thought, that worry, that concern.  I like to visualize the ocean tide washing over me and taking with it any sticky icky insecurities.  I’ve included my Sex and Motherhood Sex Tips from my Sex, Motherhood and Pregnancy workshop.  I hope you find them helpful.  Congrats on your little one and on your new journey.  I also do personal sex coaching via Skype and love working with moms.
All the Best,
Madison – The Sexpert Next Door

Sex Tips for Moms

 Keep the Connection – talking about staying connected with our partner and keeping intimacy even when sexual intimacy changes – Remember the “tossing the pillow exercise”. Give intent and energy to the small intimacies and touch that you share with your partner. We might not always have time for marathon love making but even the smallest touch, hand holding, or hand to the heart while gazing into our partners eyes can allow for shared connected intimacy and garner passion. Flames begin with a spark, don’t disregard the power of a spark that is full of intention.  Ways in our every day life to keep physically connected. Physical connection creates space for intimacy and energy exchange.

       Massage

       – Dance

        – hugs

         – embraces

           – spooning

           – making out

        -Workshops – Sexuality workshops, Kink workshops

         – Foot Rubs

         – Get Active together – hiking, walking, biking, couples yoga

        

  1. Date Nights visualization of your fantasy date night with your partner

  2. Take time even 10 minutes to visualize your fantasy date night or a night of hot intimacy with your lover. Close your eyes, allow all of your thoughts to drift in and out of your consciousness as you come back to this connection with your partner. Where do you picture this happening? What do you smell? What do you taste?Feel? Are the sheets satiny? Are you wearing new lingerie? What color? What is your partner wearing? What does your partner say? Is there certain music playing in the back ground? Do certain colors stand out in your meditation? Where is your partner touching you? Guide your partner through how you would like to be touched. You are beautiful. You aredesired. You are confident in guiding your partner to fulfilling your desires. Experience touch and sensation moment by moment, notpushing or rushing forward to a goal, be present with yourself, with your partner. Allow yourself 10 – 20 min to visualize and meditate in this state using this above exercise asking yourself these questions. Allow this manifestation to seep into your reality. For example if you recall orange or red pillows on the bed and a brilliant purple orchid on your night stand in your fantasy embrace these visuals and pick up a purple orchid at your farmers market or florist. Revisit that fantasy through meditation. Use the confidence that you build in your meditation in your real life intimate encounters when guiding your partner to your desire.

 – Collage desires, fantasies, where do you want to be touched? where does your fantasy take place, what does it look like?  what does your partner say? – Words?

What parts of this fantasy can you incorporate tonight or tomorrow?

         

– Take up writing love letters or postcards to one another – postcards, stationary, card stock, note paper, wax seals. Whether it is a simple journal or leaving post its for one another on the bathroom mirror. Write a sentence, or a simple word and gift those words of love and desire to your partner.

          

Make an Agreement to Love

  1. state your needs and desires in this relationship

  2. your partners needs and desires

  3. fantasies you would like to commit to exploring for a weeks time or a month/etc

  4. how these fantasies manifest in your every day life – for example:

  5. once a month we will go to a sexuality workshop that interests us. at least twice a week I will place a note of love and gratitude in my partners mail box (post it on the mirror,etc), on date night friday I won’t wear any panties and will wear the high heels that make me look really sexy that you always drool over. every friday night we will have a date night even if that means popping up a tent in our back yard and making out over roasted marshmallows after the kids are asleep

Treat this document as a working agreement that you both nurture and refer back to on a monthly basis.  If something isn’t working find out why and change it. Should be used as a communication tool. If it feels obligatory then it needs to change. Leave room for change and acknowledge that change is ok. That what you desire will change. And that there are no rules for what your relationship has to look like.

Couples Affirmation Exercise  Sitting across from one another cross legged and palms lying in each others hands

Person 1:  – I love you.  You are a creative being that inspires me.

Person 2: – I am filled with gratitude by your love. I love you. You are radiant in your newly pregnant body(alter accordingly – new motherly body or just “beautiful body”).

Person 1: – I am filled with gratitude by your love. I love you. … (another thing that you love about your partner. Go back in forth in this exercise for 5 min set timer)

Sexual Portraits– Give private space for women to step in front of the camera one at a time while working on their love agreement and love letters.  Have folks record a 5 min video journal of their sexual desires, how they are feeling about their bodies, their insecurities, one thing they love about their new body and sexuality. Many women and men find it very validating to their experience to document their transformation and emotions. This is basically a form of video journalling which you can keep for yourself for reflection.

State name

How many weeks pregnant or how old their child is

A part of their body that they love

Something about their partner that really turns them on

One sexual fantasy or a moment of great sexual arousal

Affirmation to state in the video journal also works in the mirror “ I am beautiful.  My body is beautiful.  My body is radiant.  I am a radiant individual filled with ecstatic energy to share with myself and partner. I am filled with love”. 

     

Sex Tips for the Time Sensitive

 Making the most of showering  – hand held shower nozzle and water proof sex toys – highly recommend the mystic wand

 Bath time is mommy time – go to LUSH or your favorite bath store and load up on luxurious bath items.  Take time to soak, read a book, touch your body, become reacquainted with it, Bath tub video journals, personal bath time sexuality journals or portraits, body portraits in the tub with i phone, candles

 Nap time Naughtiness – make the most out of nap time with either self love or time to reconnect with your partner

  Morning Time – set your alarm for before your child normally wakes up and find time for sexual intimacy in the morning.

 

 – Go shopping for new lingerie – this should be something you feel confident in. For me a sexy black leather jacket, knee high leather boots, high heels or sexy fitting jeans all qualify as “lingerie”. Its an item of clothing that gives you a new found feeling of sexy.

 – Bed time – No Sitter? Wait until the munchkins are in bed. Turn on the baby monitor and make a date night for yourselves at home. A candle lit dinner, a tent in the back yard, fooling around in the garage, or in the car.

 – Baby sitter – Date Night/s – Make them a priority. If you are light on cash pair up with other friends who have kids and offer to watch their kids on friday nights if they watch your kids on saturday night. Put date nights on the calendar.

Starting  your own Sexy Mama Social Club – find time to talk about sex with friends – either online or in person.

Allowing yourself time and permission to transform, change, shift. like a snow globe. All of the pieces of our identity are still their just shifted around.

Giving yourself time for self love, body loving affirmations.

Kink aware professionals – midwives, doulas, doctors, and therapists that are all sex positive that you can talk to. https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/kink-aware-professionals-directory/kap-directory-homepage.html

Get moving for libido and body – keeping physically active adds body and sexual confidence, gives endorphin rush, and helps to nurture healthy sex drive actually increasing our energy that we have for our family and our relationship.

Love the body that you are in, not the body that may be one day. Our bodies shift and change. We move forward, not backward. Embrace that, accept that and know that you are beautiful as you are.

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