Dear Is It Real

Dear Sexpert Next Door,
   Big question! I usually make my lady wait for sex because when I do she gets really juicy (if you know what I mean).  And it’s better than regular sex so much so,that I’m ready to explode in a few minutes top! She says she feels good and climaxes buuuut how can I be sure? Because I’m sure feeling good!
 Is It Real


Dear Is it Real,

It sounds like you and your lover are having a wonderful time but you want to ensure that she is actually aroused, not just pretending to be aroused for your satisfaction.

This comes down to trust and communication. Create space for open communication around what turns you and your partner on.  What you should NOT say is : “So what can I do better?”  It’s not about focusing on what isn’t working, but on what is working.  Discovering what your mutual fantasies are and making room for communication and exploration of those fantasies together.

Instead offer your own positive communication around what turns you on regarding your partner: “You know what really gets me hot?  Your tits.  I love when you touch your breasts and pout your lips.  I get so hard just thinking about your tits rubbing up against my hard cock.  What gets you hot my love?  What feels good to you?”  Your partner might need more lead in to connect with her fantasies or to open up regarding the specifics of how she likes to be touched.  You can ask her while rubbing her feet to close her eyes and describe to you the last sexual adventure that you both encountered that blew her mind.  Listen carefully to what details she remembers.  What elements of foreplay.  The type of touch.  Does she smile and grow quiet or her voice start to quiver when describing a certain touch, a certain toy, something that you whispered in her ear, a scent of roses in the room.  What sensory details does she remember?  Maybe it was a certain spot on her body in which you kissed her.  Other ways to build communication around sexual arousal are from attending sexuality workshops together, taking a trip to a sex positive toy store, an erotic art exhibition, or other educational or cultural events in which sexuality is openly discussed.  This helps to break down any suppressed shame around sexual communication and offers opportunities that openly grant permission to talk about and think about our sexual desires and fantasies, as well as courage to communicate those desires to our partners.


There are also sexual education films that contain explicit sex scenes which can be fun to pick out together and watch together.  A few educational lines that I suggest are Vivid Ed by director Tristan Taormino as well as my own educational videos out through Girlfriends Films.  Remember to create opportunities for open dialogue, not shove media or force situations onto your partner that they aren’t comfortable with.  Sex coaching can be another way to more privately have a facilitator around sexual desire and sexual communication.  You can find out more about sex coaching here.  I started sex coaching with couples specifically because often folks needed a greater degree of privacy and more concentrated attention from me as an educator. Sex coaching allows that time, privacy and space to explore your desires with a guide’s help.
You also mention taking your time with your partner.  Teasing your partner.  That can be an excellent form of arousal.  And it sound like your teasing and foreplay are producing vaginal fluids and glandular secretions that are creating the vaginal moisture and wetness and that you reference.  It’s important to pay attention to physical and verbal cues that go past simply vaginal secretions.  Connect with your partner with touch, massage, eye contact, and breath.  Listen to her breath. Watch her body.  Is it moving in toward you, away, or in a neutral position?  Listen to her body language and give room for her words.  “How is this my love?” Offer language. “Deeper? Softer? More fingers?” Don’t overwhelm but offer language as a guide.  Communication can be sexy and is an active outward expression of our desire.  It’s super hot.  Along the same lines, role model healthy and super sexy communication around your own desire as well.  “Wow.  I love it when your back is arched like that.  Can I pull your hips towards me? I want you so close to me.” This models consent, communication, and authentic expression of your own pleasure.

If your partner does tell you that she doesn’t orgasm while engaging in penetration with your cock, well, that is ok.  Plenty of women don’t.  And it doesn’t mean that they are faking arousal or enjoyment.  You can be super turned on and sex can feel really freaking amazing and that doesn’t mean that you are going to orgasm.  Many women have clitoral orgasms and the clitoris is outside of the vaginal canal. Consider cunnilingus and finger stimulation/vulva massage or g-spot stimulation to gift your partner with climactic pleasure either before or after your climax.
Above all, create space to build trust with your partner.  Space for honest communication around pleasure and around your relationship as a whole.  This intimacy and trust building can manifest through actively negotiating, communicating and journeying together.  Going to a workshop together, picking out toys or lube or lingerie together.  Gift safe space for your partner to express their fantasies and desires and when they do, listen. Good luck on your journey.  May it be filled with happiness, trust, intimacy and pleasure.

The Sexpert Next Door

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One Response to Dear Is It Real

  1. SugarSmax says:

    Great advice for us all! Thanks Maddy, I enjoyed your workshop in Seattle and have been putting that info to good use! Thanks a million!


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