Dear Strap-on Curious

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Hello, Ms. Young,

I’m curious about strap-on play and what makes it enjoyable for a woman when she’s pegging a man.  I’m fairly experienced, and I noticed that some women really enjoy and respond to the activity when it’s more of a forceful pegging, where I’m indicating that   she’s being rough or that it’s hurting me.  Other women seem to get off on seeing signs that I’m enjoying it, moaning in pleasure.

Just curious about your feelings on this.  Would you rather take a man this way if it was something that was “forced” on him, or if he was restrained and could not resist?  Or do you respond more to a guy who acts more like a submissive woman, eager to be fucked? 

And either way, any advice you could give to a sub male to make himself a better fuck in bed for a strapon-wielding dominant woman?

Thanks,
    Strap-on Curious
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Hello Strap-on Curious,

Strap on play can be incredibly enjoyable for a woman whether she is engaging in sexual play with men, women or folks of any gender identity. Strap on play can even be sexy and orgasmic for a woman to engage in on her own.  There is both a physical and a psychological element to this type of erotic play.

There are many types of strap-on harnesses that can vary from leather straps with buckles and studs to satin red femme like underwear that hold your cock (dildo) in place.  The strap-on itself can be a huge turn on , just as a sexy pair of panties or black leather boots can be a turn on for the person wearing them.  Some strap-ons also have a small pocket for a small bullet vibrator which can add clitoral stimulation for the individual wearing a strap-on.

The base of the dildo can vary in size and depending on the person wearing the strap on and the type of sexual play that you are engaging in, folks will have different opinions on where they like to situate the base of their strap on cock.  For example if you are masturbating wearing a strap on you can experiment with the dildo’s base pressing up against the mons/pubic area, the labia and vulva area or more specifically directly above the clitoris.

Some women see the dildo as an extension of their engorged and aroused clitoris.   Some women choose to use a double ended dildo in their harness.  This allows the woman wearing the strap on to also be penetrated either while jilling off or fucking their partner.

Psychologically the strap on cock can be a physical manifestation of a woman’s desire.  To have an extension of one’s desire consumed by their partner through anal play, vaginal or oral sex can be incredibly arousing.  Remember our brain is our largest sexual organ.  We can become incredibly aroused through phsycological stimulation and visual stimulation.  Just because a dildo is not a fleshy bit of our body, doesn’t mean that it can’t act as an extension of ourselves and that it can’t be super hot and even orgasmic to fuck a person of any gender with a strap on cock.

And on that note, folks of any gender can strap it on too.  Cis-gendered dudes can strap on over their pants or even wear a thigh harness with a strap on cock.  This is a great way to indulge in a multiple cock fantasy.  If for instance  you are bouncing up and down on a thigh harnessed strap on cock and gifting oral sex and hand job lovin’ to a bio cock, well for some folks, that could be pretty hot.

There are many toy cocks out there that you can try out for your strap on.  They come in all shapes, widths, lengths, colors and materials.  My personal favorite is the VixSkin line from Vixen Creations.  The cock’s tip is nice and soft and flesh like which makes it ideal for deep throating, as well as anal and vaginal play.  This Vixen dildo is also silicone
which I love.  You want to look for dildos that are phalayte free and non-porous.  Silicone dildos are non-porous and easy to clean.  You can stick them in your dishwasher or make dildo soup (boil them in water) to keep them clean.  There are also toy condoms which you can use to cover your dildos when you are sharing them with partners such as these Premium Condoms at Good Vibrations .   If you are using a silicone dildo  be aware that you should use a condom on the dildo if you are using silicone lube.  Silicone bonds to its self so you don’t want to get silicone lube on a silicone dildo.  It deteriorates the material and gives it a tacky sticky texture.  Not want you want.  You can always also use a non-silicone lube with your silicone dildos (like a water based lube).

In regards to different partners seeming to enjoy expressions of helplessness or pain over that of pleasure, everyone is different.  We are all unique snowflakes.  Some folks are sadists.  They enjoy dishing out intense sensation play and watching as their consenting partner struggles to process that intense sensation.  They find joy in watching the struggle and the success of their partner. The dominant assists the submissive to process through that situation or those sensations – in this case those sensations  are experienced through strap on play. Some partners will enjoy the immense overtly expressed  moans of your pleasure while others will smile in delicious arousal at the sound of your yelps as you struggle to take a cock in the ass for your mistress.

I know that you placed “forced ” in quotes but I do want to just specify that consent and safety is priority when it comes to sexual pleasure and intimate exchange of energy.  It can be hot to play rough but the communication and structure needs to be in place as a container for that play to exist within. We don’t break our toys if we want to play with them again and we don’t “hurt” our lovers. Instead we build a structure, a container, with mutual love and respect for each other as individuals.  That container is built jointly with both partners needs and pleasure in mind.  Ask yourself: What dynamic is hot for you?  Do you enjoy being an objectified hole that serves only to pleasure your strap-on wielding partner?  Or do you prefer a partner that is more soft and sensual with her approach as she stimulates your prostate with a strap on cock?  Think about the moments that have given you the most pleasure.

If you are in a Ds dynamic with one or more partners make sure there are times in which you can speak with your partner or Mistress outside of your Ds dynamic to talk as equals regarding what both of you honestly enjoy the most about strap on play and what elements of strap on play you both might want to explore together in the future.  I highly recommend having these conversations to discuss your relationship dynamic once a month or every other month and always revisiting your safe word before a scene.  Talk about what works, what doesn’t, your fantasies, give your partner room and space to express their desires and discover where your lusts and desires intersect.

Also in regards to anal play (or any type of penetration), your partner needs to use plenty of lubrication, patience, and  wait until your body relaxes and “invites” in the cock, fingers, or toy  which are doing the penetrating.  If an object is forced into the anus or cunt or throat it can be painful, cause gagging, panic, or even tears of the delicate anal tissues.

Use your breath, connect with your partner and imagine your throat or anus or cunt blossoming, opening into a big open lotus flower and welcoming in the touch, love and attention of your partner.

When engaging in anal play with a partner I first give the butt muscles some love and attention with spanking and/or massage then move into the anus.  I massage the anus externally with lots of lubrication until the anus literally starts sucking in my fingers one by one.  Once the anus is nice and relaxed, I’ll introduce the toy or dildo.  Remember the anus doesn’t produce any of its own lubrication so continuing to lubricate through out anal play is important.  This helps to avoid friction of delicate tissue.

Lastly, advice that I would give a submissive wanting to gift his dominant with an awesome sexual experience, is create space for communication.  Honestly listen to your dominant’s desires and make the experience a mutual exchange of pleasure.  Many submissives and masochists (and lovers of all persuasions) fall into a trap that I’ve come to call submissive sponge syndrome.  This is when a submissive or bottom is taking, soaking up the experience that is being gifted, and not gifting energy back.  In vanilla sex this has been referred to as being a pillow queen. But you can be taking a flogging, spanking, dildo, or cock and not just be receiving energy but gifting it back to your partner.  How do we do this?  We do this through breath, through moans, through auditory expressions of pleasure and pain, through an arching, through an exhale, through a connected sense of awareness and mindfulness.  If you plug into this level of connection with your partner.  If you fully join them in the dance, the waltz of pleasure, both you and your partner will experience pleasure and connectedness on a whole new level.

With love and orgasms,
Madison Young
The Sexpert Next Door

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