Dear The Sex Expert,
I am 39, tall, dark-haired, attractive, British, posh (posher than say Hugh Grant), sober (12 years), straight, single and kinky.
I identify as a dominant. I have spent ten years understanding what this actually means. I do not particularly identify as a sadist. I love practicing shibari and I possess a big bag of interesting and expensive toys.
I have just moved into a new flat in the City of London near St Paul’s Cathedral. My new sturdy bed is days old. Where can I find a sexy youngish play partner or play partners?
I have been on FetLife for five years, IC (Informed Consent) and CollarMe.com to no avail. I went to Club Rub and Torture Garden regularly for years but feel they are too druggy for me now.
Looking for Playmate
Dear Looking for Playmate,
From your message I get a sense that you are frustrated with not finding fulfilling sexual connection and would like to meet and satiated that need as soon as possible.
The first thing I would do is assess exactly what you are looking for in your connection (play). Is this someone that you just want to connect with once? Is this someone that you want to develop a relationship with? What kind of depth are you hoping to find in this connection?
We live in a fast “gimme now” world and the when it comes to connecting, building intimacy, and developing relationships… well you have to slow things down a bit. You have to nurture a relationship if you hope to gain a sense of connection and fulfillment from the dynamic.
You don’t have to be looking for a long term committed relationship. Maybe your ideal play partner would be a submissive that you see once a week or once a month and that you are able to develop a depth and strong connection with over time.
Whatever your ideal playmate situation, write it down. And I’m not talking about cup size and hair color, I’m talking about what your needs are exactly that you hoping to have met. For example you mentioned you enjoy Japanese rope bondage. Are you a rope top that is not interested in a romantic relationship right now? If so perhaps your looking for a rope bottom with clear boundaries and good communication skills that already has another partner and is not looking for a romantic entanglement right now, just a rope top. The most crucial thing is strong upfront communication with your play partners. Discuss fantasies and desires but also discuss STI testing, safer sex barriers, safe words, and trigger words. Take your time with negotiations and truly listening to your partners desires and limits and finding the points where your desires meet, where you both can mutually share something intimate.
You mentioned a dissatisfaction with online meet ups and fetish clubs and bars. This is not unusual. It comes down to what is the intention behind folks that you might be engaging with at clubs or bars. If folks are intoxicated and not present with themselves they are not very likely to be able to be present with you. Also engaging in BDSM when intoxicated is dangerous for both tops and bottoms. Its important to be able to communicate with one another during play. It is also crucial in properly communicating consent from both parties.
So how do you meet this awesome perfect someone to meet your needs? Two of my favorite suggestions are munches and volunteering at kinky community organizations. A munch is a usually tea/coffee/ lunch/dinner organized by folks in your local bdsm community and held at cafes and restaurants. This is an opportunity for folks in the kink community to go socialize in a low key environment. Its like a big family dinner but with folks that are kinky who may or may not be talking about the new paddle they bought or an upcoming collaring ceremony or they might just be bitching about their asshole boss or how they can’t get their kids to bed at a reasonable hour anymore. You get to break bread and get to know your community. This is a perfect way to meet someone who you might share common interests with in the bed room or dungeon or when your out for coffee.
But don’t come on too strong. Remember slow down and nurture those potential relationships, listen, get to know people before introducing them to your new sturdy bed. Believe me a submissive appreciates a dominant that listens and that cares. When you nurture that trust it allows a submissive the grounding she or he needs to journey deeper into kink with a dominant. Your building trust and that is essential. You are also developing a loving and caring intent behind the connected scenes that you might negotiate and construct with this individual.
I know at one point there was a cute little kink cafe in London called Coffee Cake and Kink. Not sure if they are still around but it was a great little spot for bdsm community with wonderful people and community events. If you are looking for quality connections look for the community and not the scene. Usually bars and clubs create and cultivate “scenes”. Community events are rooted in the culture, education and well being of the individuals with in a group.
One last thing I do want to recommend for negotiating non-monogamy Opening Up by Tristan Taormino and The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton.
Hope that helps.
The Sexpert Next Door