Dear Performance Anxiety

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Dear Madison,
I haven’t had sex in 6 or 7 years; and now a lady friend wants to meet up with me when I go on vacation next week…but well the last few times I tried to have sex i had various performance issues, such as losing my erections or cumming too quickly.  I’ve tried various methods over the years to maintain erections, toys, counting strokes etc…but nothing seems to work; either i cum too quickly or more often than not, once i realize i have an erection it goes away.  Is there anything I can do in the next month to help so i can at least stay hard?  She and I haven’t seen each other since high school and i want this to go well for her on her end ya know?

Yours truly,
Performance Anxiety

Dear Performance Anxiety
Your concern is one that many penis barring individuals have.  Our bodies are constantly changing and men do not walk around with a constant hard on ready to fuck at all times.  And you know what?  They don’t have to.

The awesome thing is that there are so many ways that you can have a mutually satisfying sexual experience with another person.  Sex doesn’t have to be cock/vagina centric in order to be awesome sex.

The best thing you can do is figure out the following.  What does your lady friend enjoy sexually?  What parts of her body does she enjoy having stimulated? And how do you like your body to be touched?  If you aren’t able to maintain an erection does it still feel nice to have your balls played with or lips lightly suckling at the head of your cock? Does your partner enjoy toys? The use of fingers on/around and penetrating her vulva? G-spot stimulation? Cunnilingus?  Erotic massage?  These are all things that we can do with our hands, mouths, and toys.

A great date night activity is either before or after a romantic dinner heading to a sex positive toy store or a sexuality workshop.  Its a fun way to break the ice and really start talking with your partner about their fantasies, what feels good to them, and what they have always wanted to try.

Try visualizing all of the amazing ways that you can pleasure her that don’t involve your penis. If you are able to get hard and maintain an erection even for a short period, just think of penile penetration as one side dish of deliciousness that are you are sharing with your partner.  The important thing is not obsessing over it.  So if you are fucking your partner and she is really enjoying it and then you either feel you are about to come are not able to maintain an erection,that doesn’t mean that your intimate experience is over.

Explore her body with your hands, massage her thighs and work your way up to her vulva where you can devour her cunt and use your hands for penetration. Vibrators, breast massage, devouring food off of one another all of these things could follow your ejaculation or loss of erection.  And if you relax and proceed with staying intimate and connected with your partner your erection may come back. If it does, great, if it doesn’t that’s ok too.

Sex really comes down to sharing intimacy, energetic and physical connection and mutually pleasurable experience with your partner. This may or may not include a cock, but know that if it doesn’t in no way does it have to result in failure of intimate connection and pleasure for both partners.

The situation that you are describing of either loosing erection or pre-mature ejaculation  can be exasperated by anxiety or excitement. So the best thing to do is to work on eliminating anxiety around the situation by feeling confident as a lover with or with out an erection.

Visualization.  Work on visualizing you being a confident lover with or with out an erection.  Imagine your worst case scenarios of either pre-mature ejaculation or difficulty in maintaining an erection and imagine you smoothly moving into another sexual position.  Kissing your lovers lips, massaging her breasts, slowly moving your hand down her body to her vulva.  Visualize making a success out of what you feared would be a failure.

A few things you may also want to try are experimenting with cock rings as a way of delaying and heightening orgasm.  You can find cock rings made of a variety of materials and preference is a very individual type of thing.  But you can find rings made of rubber, neoprene, silicone, metal, and even wood.

Tantra.  I highly recommend reading up on tantra and energy orgasms.  The practicing of tantra is a great way to learn how to be both multi-orgasmic as well as not dependent on an erection in order to give and receive erotic energy.  One of my favorite books on tantra which is written in a very accessible manner is Urban Tantra by Barbara Carellas.

I also recommend spending some quality time giving yourself some self love aka masturbation.  This helps in two ways.  1. You won’t be as incredibly sensitive to touch.  Sometimes if it has been a really long time since we have been touched in an intimate way we can get excited very quickly and this can result in pre-mature ejaculation.  2. In touching yourself, explore your own body and take a mental note of how you really enjoy touching your cock, balls, perineum, anus, nipples, etc and note whether that touch also feels good when your cock is not erect.  Does a certain touch seem to trigger an erection?  The more you know your own body the better you can guide your partner toward a pleasurable experience for both of you.  When one partner shows a comfortability and confidence in talking about their pleasure in a natural way, it gives space for the other partner to do the same.  Your role modeling healthy sexual communication.

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In your self pleasuring exploration you could also experiment with vaginal sleeves.  Some guys love these and some don’t.  One of the most popular masturbation sleeves is the flesh light.  Just know that everyone is different and just because one toy or technique is super awesome and pleasurable for one person, it  doesn’t mean that it will be for you.  That’s kind of part of the fun.  Trying new things and seeing what feels good.

There is also a large pharmaceutical industry that caters to praying on the sexual insecurity of men.  I’m not a big advocate of pharmaceuticals but its worth mentioning that it is out there and can be very successful in producing erection. Two of the bigger names on the market are Cialis and Viagra.  I have seen these drugs have negative effects on men that are taking too much of the drug, like heart palpitations and splitting head aches. I really don’t advocate for this option. I think we are a culture that relies too heavily on pathologizing ourselves and others and taking a pill for every insecurity, pain or problem that we encounter.  I believe in a more holistic approach to life.   Know that you are worthy of love and capable of gifting love and erotic energy with or with out an erection.   When you show up to meet with your lady friend and you are able to navigate a conversation around sex with confidence and think outside of the box in the bedroom, she is going to be incredibly impressed and have the amazing time that you wish for her to have.

Happy Orgasms,
Madison Young
The Sexpert Next Door

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